Happy 4th!

Remember, don’t operate heavy machinery if you eat more than eight hot dogs.

Black Bear Bubble Butt

In case you thought eating cow rump roast wasn’t American enough, these folks ate the ass right off a black bear. They even cooked it in the Hawaiian “kalua pig” method, burying it in an underground pit with plenty of banana leaves, heat and smoke. I have to admit, it looks pretty tasty. But cooking a whole black bear rump yourself? That’s a freaking ton of meat.

Makes Apple Pie Look Like Communist China

Review: Mo’s Bacon Bar (by Vosges Chocolate)

Look at that picture above. See the little bits in the bar of chocolate? That’s bacon, baby. Applewood smoked bacon. The good folks at Vosges Chocolate had the sense to combine two great flavors - pork and chocolate - to create this salty bar. Yes, the front of the box lists “smoked salt” as an ingredient, too, which I didn’t know existed. And the tastes go together surprisingly well. When you bite into it, first you get the deep milk chocolate (41% cacao), then you get the salt, and finally the hint of bacon. It’s not overpowering, but you definitely have a meat flavor in the corners of your mouth. It’s kind of like eating a handful of buttered popcorn and caramel-chocolate popcorn at the same time; almost like a cracker jack. And everybody likes cracker jacks. I recommend this All-American dessert for your next patriotic celebration.

Know Your Cow: Rump Roast

People aren’t the only ones with big booties. Cows love Sir Mix-a-lot, too. So to celebrate July 4th week, we’re talking about big cow asses, because, as we all know, big asses are part of what makes America great.

The rump roast comes from the beef round cut. This is easy to remember, because as everyone knows the best rumps are round. A beef round is the back leg of the cow; rump roasts are cut from the bottom round, which are the tougher parts of the leg. In general, beef rounds are lean but tough, being made up of very frequently-used muscles. London broil and tip steaks come from beef rounds as well.

A rump roast with the leg bone left in is called a standing rump roast. You have our permission to use this in any sort of joke you see fit.

There’s only one proper, American way to cook a rump roast, and you won’t have to work to hard to figure out what it is: roast that sucker. 30 minutes per pound at 325 will get you a delicious, medium rare block of beef that you can use in any application you desire, from sandwich to stew.

The Pork Sundae

It’s so brilliant, I can’t believe they don’t sell it on every street corner in the city and along every boardwalk on the beach. Allow me to introduce you to the Pork Sundae, served in a (styrofoam) pint glass. A layer of baked beans on the bottom, creamy coleslaw in the middle, a hearty heaping of pulled pork on top. With drizzled BBQ sauce playing the part of chocolate syrup, of course. Despite what you might think at first, the result is neither disgusting nor overpowering; it’s like eating a hearty, meaty stew with a fork. One might even find it analogous to a very sweet chili. And don’t worry about the cole slaw; I’m not the biggest fan myself, but the sweet crunch of the lettuce fits perfectly with the mushy beans and chewy pork. The important part is that all the ingredients are fresh, which they were at Blackwater BBQ in College Park, Orlando. But it wouldn’t be hard to whip up your own version, which would probably be a hit at any 4th of July Party. Just don’t steal my idea of opening a pork sundae stand on the beach.

Sunday Protein: McSweeney’s New Food Reviews

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency contains a lengthy section of sly reviews of new food products, from grocery store chicken fries to a mother-in-law’s bad pasta. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of meat.

The bottle says Gatorade A.M. helps put back the fluids and energy you lose during a full night’s sleep, to which I reply: “It’s about time.” Finally, someone has engineered an athletic drink for people like me, Athletes of Sleep—people for whom it is less physically taxing to be awake than asleep.

I had to try it. So recently, after a thoroughly exhausting night of sleeping, I woke up with orange-strawberry. I quickly regained all the energy I lost by sleeping so hard.

Truth in Advertising, Part 1

National Country Ham Association

I did not make up the title of this post - I discovered it while researching yesterday’s post about The Silver Skillet. The National Country Ham Association “was organized in 1992 to represent the interest of Country Ham Producers nationwide. Membership includes some fifty processor, supplier and academia advisor members.” What is a country ham? Shockingly enough, the NCHA provides no defintion on their website, although they don’t hesitate to tell me where to buy one. So, Wikipedia comes through yet again.

Country hams are salt- and nitrate-cured for about a month and may be hardwood (usually hickory and red oak) smoked, then aged for several months to a year. Whole country hams must be scrubbed and soaked for many hours prior to consumption in order to remove the salt cure.

But the best info comes from countryhams.com, where we learn that the best country hams are covered in mold:

Mold in no way affects the quality of the meat but rather indicates proper aging. It is a perfectly normal occurrence on a genuine country ham. Don’t worry about it, as it is a natural process that occurs very similar to the molding in fine aged cheese. If mold appears on the whole ham, this may be safely removed by washing the ham, using two parts water and one part vinegar.

Let’s hope we can get a few to review… I don’t have the facilities for curing ham. Yet.

Country Ham at The Silver Skillet

On the last weekend of my swing through the south, Ian and I stopped at The Silver Skillet in Atlanta, where we were determined to try an authentic Country Ham. This ham is distinguished from a normal ham by its high sodium content. It’s so salty, in fact, that the when I ordered the waitress said, “You know that’s real salty, babe.” What makes a ridiculously salty ham even better? A bowl of red-eye gravy for dipping… that’s even saltier than the ham itself.

If you like a little meat with your salt, it’s highly recommended. And yes, after all that, Ian ordered bacon too…

The Heavy Dog

us take a moment to celebrate the Heavy Dog, found only at The Varsity in Georgia. This particular specimen was photographed at the Athens branch. It’s a fairly small, normal hotdog, placed on a bun that is wide enough for at least three jumbo hotdogs. This entire bread bucket is then filled to the brim with luscious, finely-ground chili chunks and topped with a line of cheese. If you are a chili dog afficianado, then this is your fast food city of gold. And don’t forget your frosted orange…