Archive for April, 2008

Oh The Huge Manatee!!

Posted in MEAT POLITICS with tags , , on April 30, 2008 by chomposaurus

My friend P. Sundae discusses his latest meat-related marketing venture. The NYTimes article he mentions is worth looking at for those interested in eating endangered animals.

P. Sundae: the real reason for my trip to mexico is to lay the groundwork for my manatee farming operation

P. Sundae: my business is based on this idea:
To Save a Species, Serve It for Dinner

P. Sundae: i will make the manatee a part of our culinary tradition
put *that* on my tombstone

As well as leaving an offering of fried & cubed squirrel meat at your grave, buddy.

Kobe Burger King

Posted in Beef, Burgers, Fast Food with tags , , on April 30, 2008 by chomposaurus

I am excited, scared and confused by the news that Burger Kings in the UK will be selling $170 burgers featuring foie gras and kobe beef. Somehow, fries and a drink are not included in that price. While I like the kobe beef part, the burger has duck liver on it (unnecessary) and there’s still the small matter of Burger King’s rampant abuse of its employees. Also, one must consider: who walks into Burger King with $200 straight cash? I guess it’s all part of my dream to pay for a Value Meal with my Black Card.

Chicago’s Duck Torture Speakeasies

Posted in Fowl, MEAT POLITICS with tags , , , , on April 29, 2008 by chomposaurus

I’m a fan, as you might have guessed from the existence of this blog, of meat that comes from a cow served organic food and taken from this world painlessly. I’m not so much a fan of meat that comes from tortured ducks. However I recognize that some of you don’t care that much about ducks; some of you may actively hate ducks. And you duck despisers could very well live in Chicago, a place that is becoming known for its duck torture underground.

Of course, the meat I’m talking about is foie gras, which was banned in Chicago circa 2006.

Now, according to my sources in the restaurant industry there, you can easily find it in the best restaurants in the Windy City. All you have to do is utter the code word, which is an ingredient that does not usually show up in U.S. restaurants. This ingredient will either be on the menu or available as a special you can ask for; apparently, some gourmet places even offer full (and fully confidential) foie gras tasting menus.

I won’t be telling you the secret word, because I don’t want to get anyone in trouble or see any more ducks end up in Gitmo. But it’s good to keep in mind that just because some crazed alderman bans something doesn’t mean people are going to stop eating it. Now I wonder how I can get my Papaya Dogs fried in transfatty oil? Maybe if I ask for them to be “Bloomberged”?

More about duck torture here.

Two Pounds of American Grease

Posted in Restaurant Burgers with tags , on April 28, 2008 by chomposaurus

It won\'t fit!
Eagle’s Diner, in Brighton, MA, looks like a simple storefront greasy spoon. But inside lies a sacred place in the hamburger world: for it is here that you can order the Challenge Burger, 5 pounds of beef, 20 slices of cheese, 20 slices of bacon and 5 pounds of fries. The price? $50 – but it’s free if you can finish it. No one ever has.

My friend Amanda & I met at Eagle’s this weekend, and we were on a mission. Sadly, the mission was *not* to eat the Challenge Burger, since I needed to survive to write a blog about it. Instead, we picked the item a few places down on the menu: a pound of beef and a pound of fries for just $9.75. It’s enough to feed four small children. That’s why they call it Godzilla.

(Some might recall my discussion of Eagle’s Burgers from my Best Burger Update.)

I ordered my Godzilla with American cheese, medium rare, with everything on it – an everything that includes pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, raw onions and mayo. Amanda ordered the same but with Cheddar instead of American; then, we sat and waited for ten minutes, sipping our drinks like prisoners waiting for their last meal. Finally, our numbers were called. Godzilla had emerged!

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Pirates of the San Fernando Valley: Curse of the Bacon-Wrapped Wiener

Posted in Fast Food, Hot Dogs, MEAT POLITICS with tags , , on April 27, 2008 by chomposaurus

Breakfast, Lunch & Grog

Some good reporting by LA Weekly about the (illegal) meat miracle, the bacon-wrapped hot dog. Meat journalism doesn’t get much better than this:

Below the legal vendors are the more ubiquitous operators of homemade carts, which usually consist of propane tanks strapped to modified baby strollers, Target shopping carts or, in most cases, tool carts. They operate completely outside of codes and regulations, their particular rules and organizational methods a mystery to outsiders.

Licensed vendors… refer to the makeshift bacon-wrapped-hot-dog vendors as “ambulantes” or “piratas,” colloquial terms for unlicensed street vendors in Mexico.

Those sound like the most magical pirate Target shopping carts ever.

Finally I can have Arby’s Roast Beef on my Wendy’s Chicken Sandwich

Posted in Fast Food, MEAT POLITICS with tags , , on April 24, 2008 by chomposaurus

Giant Hats Don\'t LieAccording to various news sources, the conglomerate investment corporation known as Triarc – aka the owner of Arby’s – bought the red-headed lass, Wendy’s. Of course, I don’t eat at either place, because their meat comes from tortured, chemically-altered animals, their restaurants are filthy, and their workers are generally mistreated. But Arby’s used to be my favorite – I think they put something on that beef to make it extra sweet, and Wendy’s has the best fried chicken sandwich of any fast food dump. The chance to combine the two creates some interesting mental pictures. Sadly, though, they won’t be combining the restaurants… probably a good thing, since anytime I drive by a combo Pizza Hut/Taco Bell/Long John Silver’s I throw up in my mouth a little.

I’ll say this: Dave probably wouldn’t approve of his daughter being bought and sold like a common whore. But he would approve of her getting $4.2 billion… anything under 4 and he’d be rolling in his grave. Which I assume is a giant deep fryer filled with liquid gold and kept at a constant temperature of 400 degrees Fahrenheit.

Meat on Swords, Franchise Edition

Posted in Beef, Chicken, Pork, Sausage with tags , , on April 23, 2008 by chomposaurus

Brazilian BBQ Review: Texas de Brazil
[Locations in Florida, Texas, Louisiana, Illinois, Colorado, Nevada etc.]

Texas de Brazil does not hide its intent. Whether it’s the walk-in, all-glass wine cellar, the room devoted to the salad bar, or the ridiculous nomenclature formed by a brutal, half-translated collision of the world’s two most meat-centric cultures, a diner knows what they are climbing into: a hot tub full of meat. This chain represents the ultimate in indulgence, making the best type of meat there is (rare, salty, on a sword) and then letting you eat as much as you possibly can without so much as shifting in your seat. In order to cut their losses, they try and stuff the salad bar full of tasty sushi, cheese and (surprisingly) salad, but the true pro knows how to pace him- or herself. And, of course, you must avoid the $12 martinis, because, let’s face it, after a good two pounds of meat you won’t be feeling that martini even if it was 95% Patron Silver.

It occurs to me that I need to write a primer on Brazilian BBQ: how it works, why it is special among meat venues, and why it is somewhat dangerous to live close to one. But to go over the basics quickly: you get to eat as much meat as you want. The meat is delivered to you on huge skewers by masterful carvers. And there is a single price. At Texas de Brazil, it’s high: about $50 per person for dinner. But I’ve been to some very good Brazillian BBQ’s that only charged $20 or so, albeit with much more limited salad bars and slower meat turnaround.
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Capitalism for Vegans

Posted in Chicken, MEAT POLITICS with tags , , on April 23, 2008 by chomposaurus

freedom tastes like chickenHow can PETA get people to stop eating delicious meat?  By throwing money at them!  In a move surprising for its creativity but standard in its capacity for extreme publicity, the animal liberation group is sponsoring a contest to develop commercially viable in vitro meat.  I discussed this lab-grown tastiness in a previous post.

The rules of the contest are simple: make the meat, make it taste like chicken (shouldn’t be hard, so many things do), then sell it to people.  If you do so before anyone else, you get a cool million.  Not a bad deal.  And you have four years to do it.

Of course, some people at PETA actually objected, according to this NYTimes article.  I blame them for the fact that my Tofu Pups seem to taste less and less like real hotdogs as time goes by.

Original Mediocrity (a.k.a. Sand in the Chili)

Posted in Fast Food, Hot Dogs with tags , , on April 22, 2008 by chomposaurus

Coney Island dawgs

This is a chili dog from the Original Nathan’s, a mammoth hot dog stand / beefy mecca at Coney Island, a beach at the very tip of Brooklyn. You see this place every year during the hot dog eating championship, with several crazies in the foreground dipping dogs into water and scarfing them down.

The question: Is it worth a trip here to eat one of the original Originals? The answer, no. While the vaguely industrialized beach amusement is a great atmosphere for eating, the fact is the hot dogs are no better than ones you buy in the package at the grocery store and heat up yourself. The chili was disappointing and the fries were nothing special. I recommend that you go down the shore to Brighton Beach instead, to one of the Russian supper clubs. There you can have an ungodly amount of meat while drinking more vodka and listening to more bad cover songs than you ever thought possible.

While We Bitterly Cling to Burgers, the Elite Have Their Meat

Posted in Hot Dogs, MEAT POLITICS with tags , , , on April 22, 2008 by chomposaurus

If you would like to see what this blog is *not* aiming to become, go ahead and follow this link:

Conceptual hamburger art is not a good use of my time or yours. We need more articles about shooting an elk and living off of the meat for the year and less articles about grilling your socks for an intellectual high.

I look forward to the day when the print version of this blog outsells their hoity-toity mag 10 to 1.