Archive for the Meat Devices Category

Bacon Alarm Clock

Posted in Meat Devices, STUFF ABOUT MEAT with tags , , on September 5, 2008 by chomposaurus

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the excellent blog Crispy on the Outside’s “This Week in Bacon” feature, always worth a read for those who don’t get enough fried pork product. I especially enjoyed the Bacon Alarm Clock, which takes Michael Scott’s idea from The Office (grilling bacon in a foreman by his bed while he snoozes) to a better, safer level.

Michael Scott:

I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon —– sue me — and since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It’s good for me. It’s the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that…

Meat Spaghetti (a.k.a. Dr. Atkins Rolls Over in His Grave)

Posted in Meat Devices, STUFF ABOUT MEAT with tags , , on August 13, 2008 by chomposaurus

Do you crave pasta even when your hellish diet prevents you from eating carbs? Fear not, for scientists in New Zealand have invented meat spaghetti:

While testing the binding strength of meat, Mustafa Farouk unexpectedly found meat spaghetti – made from sheep or beef but transformed into colourful spaghetti-like strips.

“It tastes like meat and it can look like meat but we can actually change the composition of the product quite a lot so we can mask the meaty flavour,” Mike North from AgResearch says.

And with busy families demanding more convenient yet healthy foods AgResearch believes it is on to something. Kids love spaghetti but for many parents it’s hard to get them to eat meat – so the meaty, protein saturated, pasta version could be an innovative way of providing youngsters with vital nutrients and iron.

The article stretches the need for meat spaghetti a bit. What parent has trouble getting their kids to eat meat? Haven’t they ever heard of chicken fingers? But I do believe there is a market for meat spaghetti, especially among the young and the fit who are tired of eating a Chipolte Bol for their carbless lunches.

The Scourge of the Fenway Frank Top-Loading Bun

Posted in Hot Dogs, Meat Devices, STUFF ABOUT MEAT with tags , , , on July 25, 2008 by chomposaurus

Look, I don’t consider myself a very picky eater. Once I was confronted with the terrible cafeteria food in college, I found myself willing to eat anything and everything with taste. I’m looking forward to the day when I eat fried cricket and have my first ostrich burger. But why oh why must my current home city of Boston be obsessed with one of the worst ideas ever, the top-cut hot dog bun?

If you haven’t seen these things, you’re lucky. They’re all you can buy in the groceries here. Imagine a hotdog bun, then imagine the slot for the frank is only half as big as usual, at an awkward angle. As you can see from the picture, my D’Artagnan Uncured Beef Dogs aren’t really in the bun; they’re sort of perched on top. And don’t even think of squeezing relish or a suitable amount of onions alongside.

Apparently, there is a reasonable explanation for this format – it’s better for lobster rolls, a New England specialty. The crab or lobster salad is more stable than with the almost-separated side-split bun. But come on people, eating giant wieners is a serious business, and it requires a bun that can handle the massive meaty girth required to satisfy a true carnivore.

If Only Life Were So Easy

Posted in Meat Devices, Pork, STUFF ABOUT MEAT with tags , , on July 22, 2008 by chomposaurus

The Meat Wall Equation

Posted in Burgers, Meat Devices, MEAT POLITICS with tags , , on May 30, 2008 by chomposaurus

It’s a relatively meatless Friday, so let’s take a moment to think about my favorite made up term, the Meat Wall, which is the invisible barrier made up of population and arable land that we are racing towards. Eventually, there will not be enough free land on Earth to raise the cows, pigs, chickens and kangaroos necessary to feed us meat at the levels we now expect. When will we reach that point, and what will happen? I’m not sure, but I think there must be a way to find out.

There will be another 3 billion people on earth by 2050, barring the rapid development of Martian colonies. Even if only a sixth of those new people can afford to eat at the current American rate of 2,920 oz. of meat per year, the world will need to produce 91 billion more pounds of meat by 2050. My friends, that is a lot of effing cows.

I’m not worried about the population outgrowing the total food supply – you can go talk to Thomas Malthus about that one.. I’m talking about a matter of preference and taste; people want more meat than they can have. Will meat prices go up, consumption go down or both? How will it change our culture? These questions are harder to answer.

But it is possible to judge just how finite meat is. If we know how much land a typical livestock animal needs, and we know how much total farming land is available, we can calculate the theoretical upper limit on the amount of animals the earth can sustain. Including ratios for types of animals, land used for waste, and, most importantly, level of meat consumption per capita, we could look at scenarios for when the earth would actually hit the meat wall.

Sadly, I’m not an economist. I’m a freelance meat writer. But on the odd chance that an economist stumbles upon this blog while searching for the best burger on Wall St., I challenge him or her to think about this equation. The future of our burgers, barring the development of an infinite cow machine or lunar beef dome, depends on it.

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Happy Barbecue Season!

Posted in BBQ, Meat Devices with tags , , , on May 26, 2008 by chomposaurus

It’s Memorial Day, the first day of the Official 2008 BBQ Season in the Northern Hemisphere! GI Joe & Chomposaurus encourage you to watch this brief video regarding grilling safety:

For more (read: real) information, check out the FDNY’s Grilling Tips.

I’d like to add a few of my own:

  1. If you’re a filthy hippy, wash your nappy hair so the oils in it won’t burst into flame.
  2. Do not attempt to grill in a moving vehicle unless that vehicle is a Chevy El Camino.
  3. Taking your George Foreman Grill out onto the porch DOES NOT COUNT as grilling once official grilling season has begun, and you will be penalized for it.
  4. Tempting as it might be, don’t grill your feelings. The smoke will only make things worse.

Happy grilling – Chomp O’Saurus will be back tomorrow with more delicious meat.

Let’s Grill Hot Dogs As We Go Over Niagra Falls

Posted in BBQ, Meat Devices, Sausage, Seafood with tags , , on May 23, 2008 by chomposaurus

Courtesy of Engadget, we can now safely say that all your needs for floating cooked meats will be taken care of by a German company’s new “lifesaving” flotation device, the BBQ Donut. It’s a round pontoon boat with a real horkin’ full-size bbq grill stuck in the middle. Time to defy those environmentalists and engage in some offshore grilling!

It has a built-in umbrella, a battery-operated motor and a drink holder. Personally, I can see no better way to make your lazy day on the lake more gloriously lazy than not having to return to shore for a freshly charred wurst. You could even catch, gut and grill a fish without getting up from your seat. All they have to do is install a mini kegerator and this thing will be a bestseller at Wal-marts nationwide.