My friends, no one needs cologne that smells like beef. But I have a lot of things I don’t need, such as a giant marble lion toothbrush holder, many dozen classic Transformers toys, and a latex sauce pan cover shaped like a pig’s face. So enter Burger King to fill my non-need for a flame-brioled-burger-scented cologne with their new offering, Flame (note the awesome url: firemeetsdesire.com). Yes, thanks to the ever-frighetning King, you can now smell like a Whopper at your holiday party.
Fortunately, it’s available at Ricky’s NYC… so I had to go out and buy some. The bored clerks in the store were more than happy to point me to it. The lady at the register thought it was gross, then admitted that she wouldn’t mind smelling like “chicken nuggets.” I found myself agreeing with her, much to my own surprise and chagrin. Her colleague called us gross, adding that she wouldn’t object to a perfume that had the essence of soul food, including fried chicken, macaroni & cheese and greens. I paid my $3.99 and quickly stuffed the package – which looked like a shiny black condom wrapper with a burger king logo – into my bag.
After resisting the urge to spray the office vegetarians with the small bottle of Flame, I boldly applied some to my own wrists. And sprayed some in the air. The result: universal disgust. Everyone gathered around began coughing. And therein lies the horrible secret of Flame: it’s not burger-scented. It’s “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat,” which I think means it’s shitty cologne with a bit of salt rubbed into it. Try as I might, I could not smell anything related to meat. If you want to know what a Burger King smells like when it’s burning down in a horrible grease fire, though, this is probably as close as you get to the real thing. The acrid, eye-watering scent will not attract anything to you. Even my dog would start choking if it licked this off my wrist.
I’m glad I tried it, so you don’t have to. If this is what The King smells like then I don’t want him anywhere near me. Once again, America’s junk food vendors have produced something truly sub-par and repulsive.