Archive for December, 2008
What better way to celebrate the holidays than by chomping down on some of Uncle Charley’s Gourmet Sausage? It almost feels like a holiday tradition. Uncle Charley himself was kind enough to send me a few packs of sausages, and I must say that I came away impressed… and pretty full. The spicy italian (with peppers and onions) grilled up perfectly, and went great with a hot marinade and mustard. The sausage itself was very rich and meaty, like a meatloaf in a tube. There was a mealy, almost earthy texture, and the flavor held hints of smoke amidst the pungent pork. I found the sweet italian sausage to be almost as good, but the lack of fire definitely made it less interesting. However, my more conservative friends liked it, so it’s really a matter of taste, not quality.
So, if you’re looking for some sausage online, Uncle Charley is a good guy to know. In the new year, we’ll be reviewing his breakfast sausage and patented “sausage burgers.”
You are a great brother-in-law. I hope the lawn gnome business picks up in the new year. I’m sure you’ll be able to pay back all the money you owe the banks… and me. I guess you may be feeling a little down, so here’s a 15 lbs pack of Wagyu Beef from Costco that cost me 2 G’s. Grill some up and find out what success tastes like!
P.S. I’m richer than you.
My friends, no one needs cologne that smells like beef. But I have a lot of things I don’t need, such as a giant marble lion toothbrush holder, many dozen classic Transformers toys, and a latex sauce pan cover shaped like a pig’s face. So enter Burger King to fill my non-need for a flame-brioled-burger-scented cologne with their new offering, Flame (note the awesome url: firemeetsdesire.com). Yes, thanks to the ever-frighetning King, you can now smell like a Whopper at your holiday party.
Fortunately, it’s available at Ricky’s NYC… so I had to go out and buy some. The bored clerks in the store were more than happy to point me to it. The lady at the register thought it was gross, then admitted that she wouldn’t mind smelling like “chicken nuggets.” I found myself agreeing with her, much to my own surprise and chagrin. Her colleague called us gross, adding that she wouldn’t object to a perfume that had the essence of soul food, including fried chicken, macaroni & cheese and greens. I paid my $3.99 and quickly stuffed the package – which looked like a shiny black condom wrapper with a burger king logo – into my bag.
After resisting the urge to spray the office vegetarians with the small bottle of Flame, I boldly applied some to my own wrists. And sprayed some in the air. The result: universal disgust. Everyone gathered around began coughing. And therein lies the horrible secret of Flame: it’s not burger-scented. It’s “the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat,” which I think means it’s shitty cologne with a bit of salt rubbed into it. Try as I might, I could not smell anything related to meat. If you want to know what a Burger King smells like when it’s burning down in a horrible grease fire, though, this is probably as close as you get to the real thing. The acrid, eye-watering scent will not attract anything to you. Even my dog would start choking if it licked this off my wrist.
I’m glad I tried it, so you don’t have to. If this is what The King smells like then I don’t want him anywhere near me. Once again, America’s junk food vendors have produced something truly sub-par and repulsive.
Was that Thanksgiving Turducken not enough to satisfy your need to stuff one bird inside another and then roast them into a pile of glowing delicious ecstasy? Well fear not, you need not repeat yourself. As the London Times reports, the Gooducken is here. Yes, it’s exactly what it sounds like: A duck, stuffed in a chicken, which is then stuffed into a traditional christmas goose. The result is a christmas feast that would make Tiny Tim faint and/or make baby Jesus cry. Further information / pictures seem to be scarce, but rest assured that as soon as we spot or bite into one of these, you will be the first to know about it.