Shady Meat Review: Armour Treet Luncheon Loaf

My local hipster bodega in Williamsburg, Brooklyn has a small section catering to old polish ladies and truly starving artists that sells meat product-in-a-can. Of course, SPAM is well-represented, but I noticed several other varieties, some distinctly foreign in origin. I’ve decided to try a few over the course of the summer, hoping that my disgust will lead to your entertainment. And who knows, I may find a bargain delight! Actually I do know. There is no way any of these will be good. Example one is Armour Treet, a SPAM rip-off in both concept and marketing.

Why is the Treet at the edge of the plate in the picture? Well, you see, as soon as I squirted the loaf from the can, it began to sweat a translucent mucous. Within seconds the pool was big enough that the meat was sliding around the plate at the slightest of touches, and settled at the edge. Honestly trying to get it to sit still in the middle was too creepy and too much trouble.

I sliced it off and boldly put a bit in my mouth. The taste… tuna fish in prison is the best I could come up with. The salted-heavy-metal taste barrels you over, truly raw and stinking. There is no way that this is made up anything but the worst part of the animals. The added smoke flavor doesn’t help, because who wants to eat smoked ass? They could at least work on making it smell nice.

I fried it, too. So then the Treet was hot… and nasty. Somehow the heat made it seem more “fresh,” and not in the good way – “fresh” the way the floor of a horse barn is fresh. I guess if you put enough American cheese in your sandwich you might be able to mask the flavor, but honestly, just spend the extra 30 cents and get some bologna. There’s absolutely no reason to buy Armour Treet, unless you’re running a grease-and-shovel racket.